The World’s Grasp
1 John 2:15–17
15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world…
17 And the world passeth away… but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.
During the final two years of my hospital employment (1987–1989), I attended night school to study Business Studies and Computing. I obtained basic diplomas in both. When my job ended, I planned to pursue a National Diploma at my local college while still living at home.
However, I saw an advertisement in the Bradford newspaper for a two-year full-time course at Bradford and Ilkley Community College, so I returned to my birthplace.
I loved the lectures and felt intellectually stretched. These were subjects I truly enjoyed.
In our first year, we had to create an investment portfolio and produce a business plan for a real business. Two fellow students, Mark and Jacqui, and I decided to design an organic restaurant. We worked through costings, locations, menus, and operational planning, then submitted our project for assessment. We received a distinction.
In my final year, I achieved five distinctions out of seven subjects.
Although I loved college, my life completely forgot God and the church. I did not live immorally, but God was absent from my life. I enjoyed concerts, theatre, and culture. My friend Mark used to call me a “culture vulture.”
During my second year, I became friendly with a girl. Nothing improper happened, but we spent time together socially. Eventually, the friendship faded.
We graduated in June 1991. I applied for many jobs, but no one was interested. Many of my peers continued into a BA in Business Studies, but foolishly, and partly to impress this girl, I chose to pursue accounting qualifications at City College in Norwich (1991–92). This decision led to failure.
I returned to Morecambe, but my eldest brother insisted I go back to Bradford to continue job hunting. I tried everything.
While my mother was on a world cruise with her sister, she suffered a stroke on the final day. My brother Philip insisted that I live away from her. I moved through various contract jobs, but nothing permanent.
I lived in some very unpleasant places.
One landlord lived at No. 3, and his son and I lived at No. 1. One Monday morning, I met the landlord entering the house.
“Where’s Mark? He should have been at work.”
“He’s asleep in the living room,” I replied.
We went in and found that he had fallen off the sofa and choked on his own vomit. His body contained 634 mg of alcohol. A late-night drinking session at the local pub had led to him consuming large amounts of Pernod.
There was an inquest, and I had to testify. My mum used to say, “When drink’s in, wit’s out.”
We had many lodgers pass through No. 3. One evening I met a very talkative new lodger in the kitchen. He kept receiving strange phone calls and came and went frequently.
Then one day, he disappeared. I was relieved.
Later, my landlord arrived with five police officers. One officer questioned me.
“What do you know about this man?”
“Why? Has he done something wrong?”
“He has been accused of murder.”
I later discovered that this man had been a rapist and murderer. I had spoken with him alone for over an hour.
I managed to visit my brother in Canada, and he strongly advised me to leave Bradford. Soon after my mother returned, I went back to Morecambe.
During this period, I had been prescribed strong antidepressants — Cipramil 15 mg — which I remained dependent on for many years.
Devotional Thought
The prodigal son in Luke 15 had to experience hardship before he remembered what he had lost.
I lost much in the eight years after leaving Morecambe in 1989. The early 1990s were not a happy time for me.
I regret deeply what happened, especially between 1992 and 1997. Years later, I met a fellow student who had been academically weaker than me, yet she had earned a degree with a 2:1. It filled me with sadness. We often make mistakes because we choose our own way. I can blame no one but myself.
But remember: there is forgiveness with God. He truly forgives. The real question is whether we forgive ourselves.
To do this, we must take responsibility for our mistakes. Then we can be cleansed of guilt and pain. “If only” are small words, but we cannot dwell on what might have been.
In truth, I am grateful for the pain. It allowed me to see life honestly and recognise how fallible I am. It has also enabled me to help others.
Do not dwell on your failures. The apostle Paul did not dwell on his past. In Philippians 3 he wrote:
7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ…
10 That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection…
That was probably the darkest time of my life.
Praise God — He brought me through it. Only He could.